Assignment 1: Self-Introduction (Formal Letter)
Introduction Formal Letter
Dear Professor Blackstone,
Prior to my degree studies in SIT, I graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic with a diploma in Clean Energy Management. I had never imagined myself as an engineering student due to my interest in science. People around me have influenced my thinking towards engineering being a masculine culture that requires physical abilities. However, going through the journey as an electrical engineering student changed my perspective and interest in engineering. Pursuing this degree is a huge step for me to enhance my knowledge in the engineering field, transitioning from electrical to a course that now focuses more on mechanical.
Personally, I view myself as a listener rather than a talker. Being an active listener, it has greatly contributed to my communication skills. My ability to use cognitive listening enables me to understand different perspectives of others. As a result, I tend to be more open-minded in conversations. In terms of my weakness, I am not proficient in expressing my thoughts. Since young, I always hated reading as it requires me to comprehend texts. The inadequate amount of vocabulary words also adds on to my poor writing and speaking. Therefore, I mainly struggle with my choice of words when communicating.
Under
your guidance in effective communication, I hope to express myself effectively
with a better command of English in terms of my grammar and vocabulary use.
Besides that, I would like to develop relevant communication skills. Not only
to present myself better, but also to prepare myself in the workforce. Thus
far, I enjoyed being in your class and I am looking forward to learning new
things with you. As the saying goes, “Learning never gets old”.
Best
regards,
Tiara
Rizal
SIE
2016 - Tutorial Group 1
Edited on 21/09/2019
Commented on: Joel, Sammy and Alicia
ReplyDeleteDear Tiara,
Thank you for this interesting and fairly complete self introduction. You've followed the model presented in class quite closely and produced a letter that addresses each element requirement with a bit of detail. I appreciate the info about your study background as well as the open explanation of your strengths and weaknesses in communication. In that regard, it's good to know, , for instance, that you view yourself as more listener (and an active one at that) than speaker. But I wonder if that means you speak less than others do (a premise that I doubt when it comes to you talking with your friends and family!).
You also state that "Being a listener, I am not proficient in expressing my thoughts verbally in front of others or even on paper." My reaction is to wonder what causes what in this situation: Do you merely listen because you feel you can't communicate in speech/writing effectively, or do you want to suggest something else? I'm not sure what you mean.
In terms of goals, you write that you'd like to communication more 'efficaciously.' In terms of specific language use, you need to review the following:
1. word use: the use idiomatic language (slang) versus more formal English / bombastic language use
-- Back in the day, engineering was.... > ?
-- Words on the street has influenced.... > (slang + subject-verb agreement error) ?
-- developing relevant communication skills into my everyday basis.... > (huh? basis? meaning?)
-- a better understanding of the situation. > (which situation?)
2. verb issues
-- Words on the street has influenced....
-- Going through the journey as an electrical engineering student changes my perspective and interest in engineering. > (verb tense)
Going through the journey as an electrical engineering student has changed my perspective and interest in engineering.
3. sentence structure
-- With my personality traits of being an active listener, it has greatly contributed.... > (What has contributed? Which subject would be adequate?)
-- As a matter of fact in disliking to read, the inadequate amount of vocabulary words adds on to my poor writing and speaking. > . (Who dislikes reading? That 'person' must be the subject of this sentence.)
-- I mainly struggle with my choice of words when presenting to my audience which misleads to them understanding me. > (Look at the logic of this sentence. Who misunderstands who and why?)
Honestly, I think you have lots of thoughts to express but that you need to slow down and be more deliberate about the thinking process that precedes your writing.
I'm happy to work on this with you.
Best wishes,
Brad
Good evening Prof. Thank you for the feedback. I have the necessary changes to my formal letter and would definitely try to learn as much from you in class to improve my language.
DeleteTo answer your curiosity on my weakness, I feel that it is hard for me to convey what I'm trying to say when communicating as sometimes I am unable to think of the specific word to explain myself efficiently due to my lack of vocab. Hope this explains my point in the letter.
Hi Tiara! The contents of the letter is clear and concise with relevant information included. These are some points that I think can be improved on:
ReplyDelete1) "My name is Tiara, and currently studying sustainable infrastructure engineering (Building Services) in Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT)." [ currently studying Sustainable infrastructure engineering (Building Services)... should be change to 'I am currently studying']
2) Words on the street has influenced my thinking towards engineering being a masculine culture that requires physical abilities. [Wrong use of verb as you mentioned "Words on the street" therefore it should be a plural verb rather than a singular verb. It should change to "have" instead]
3) "As a matter of fact in disliking to read, the inadequate amount of vocabulary words adds on to my poor writing and speaking" [In this sentence, it is difficult to identify who is the subject of the sentence when mentioned about disliking to read. Therefore, I think this sentence could change to 'As I dislike to read' instead of 'As a matter of fact in disliking to read' ]
Overall, I feel that your writing is good. Hope to learn from you in the upcoming class and work towards our goal. :)
Hi Alicia, I have read your comments and have made changes to my formal letter accordingly.
DeleteThank you for the feedback, appreciate it a lot!
Hi Tiara, I think the previous comments have touched on the areas I intended to point out, so I will keep it brief.
ReplyDeleteContent: Clear and concise, put your intended message across well.
Organization: Easy to read, able to understand when and what you are trying to say, although some of the words and phrases were misused, but no biggie.
Capitalization: Personally i feel that the title of your diploma and degree should be capitalized.
Hi Joel, thank you for your feedback on my writing and some of the positive comments.
DeleteI have capitalized the title of my diploma and degree as initially I was unsure whether i should capitalized it.
Hi Tiara, Sangara here.
ReplyDeleteI have just read your blog and you have satisfied the requirements of the given assignment and I must say you have the contents that were required in your letter. However, as what Prof Blackstone has mentioned, you have to be more precise in your writing. You do have a lot of thinking going on but you have to take a pause and slowly analyse your thought process.
1) Sentence Structure
"With my personality traits of being an active listener, it has greatly contributed to my communication skills"
"As a matter of fact in disliking to read, the inadequate amount of vocabulary words adds on to my poor writing and speaking"
"I mainly struggle with my choice of words when presenting to my audience which misleads to them understanding me."
"Therefore, I mainly struggle with my choice of words when presenting to my audience which misleads to them understanding me"
"In addition, developing relevant communication skills into my everyday basis to prepare myself in the corporate sphere is what I aim to achieve."
2) Proper Tense
"Thus far, I enjoyed being in your class and I am looking forward to learning new things with you."
"Going through the journey as an electrical engineering student changes my perspective and interest in engineering."
3) Capitalisation
-->sustainable infrastructure engineering (Building Services)
-->clean energy management
Thank you and looking forward to work with you.
Hi Sangara,
DeleteThank you for the constructive comments. Appreciate the effort to read and comment on my writing.
I have made changes to some of the sentences pointed out from you. Looking forward to work with you in class too.